I used to think that my problem was that I don't know what I want. But, my real problem is that I know exactly what I want, and I don't have it. I want to be happy, and I'm not. I want to write, and I don't. I want things to be okay, and they're not. I feel like I am a complete dissapointment to my family and friends. I know this isn't what they want. If I were my parents, I wouldn't want me. I just see myself as this huge mess who can't figure things out. And, what really gets me are the people who tell me I'm not in the right to feel this way. It's like when I was in highschool and told my friend Katy I wanted to kill myself. She said that i just shouldn't feel that way because I had everything going for me. I don't care who you are or anything, you are dserving of your feelings. And, so am I.
I don't want to kill myself. I'm over that for the moment. If God wanted me, I would have died when I was born three months early. There was a 70% chance I wouldn't make it. I just wish He would let me in the secret of why I'm here. That would help.
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Nik,
I just read this old entry in your blog and want to cry. You are here for a purpose...we all are here for a purpose, but most of us don't actively seek what that purpose is. We aren't open to it because we *think* *we* know our purpose.
You are an intelligent, funny, and caring person. Don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise!!
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